Ableism isn’t Just for The Abled

            Normally I write motivational pieces for Motivation Monday, but this month I decided we need to talk about internalized ableism. I will preface this with the fact that I am disabled. I am an autistic male who also has pots and is epileptic. I walk with a cane on most days. I also am asthmatic and ADHD. These are all disabilities. This topic is important, not just because it applies to me though, many of you will know someone who is disabled. Let’s begin.

After a Week off Meds You won’t Believe This!

So the world has been chaotic and a pandemic has struck, I have not written in this entire time a proper thought out blog post. I mean a lot has been happening. I been learning so much about myself since I told everyone here that I am in fact Autistic.

In 2011 I was diagnosed with epilepsy and I thought for sure that explained other symptoms I had been having for many years. Dizzy spells when standing, fainting climbing stairs, you know must be seizures?

When I learned my PDD – NOS diagnosis was an autism diagnosis I joined a great facebook community: “Sounds like you should ask an Autistic, but ok” and, “I’m Autistic and I’m gonna kick someone’s ass.”

There I met a wonderful person who I respect greatly and who talked me through my most horrifying experience at that time…I thought I had a heart attack last July. I was shopping for cat food in a local store and bent over and bam my arm hurt my chest burned and tensed and my vision blurred. I went to the ER my blood pressure was OUTRAGEOUS 198\ 113. Funny no days when I go in and doctor takes it i’m not as shocked anymore. Like last night it was 138/102. That day i was SHOCKED. I had only seen my blood pressure be low not high like that.

My new friend and the group members of those two groups helped me connect this event to something I had never considered before. The constant dehydration and need to drink was not onset of diabetes… I might have POTS.

A year later I have learned my blood pressure fluctuates, my heart rate is fast and I match many post symptoms. I am also back on all the meds I need to be on except for proper meds for POTS, though my doctor does have me on a beta blocker. I am back on seizure meds, back on Adderall for ADHD, I am still on thyroid meds and I am back on testosterone. I also have my asthma meds yay me!

So now we are at where I tell you why the click bait title. With a global pandemic and me being a disabled asthmatic getting meds isn’t always easy. Last week I had no meds, no adderall or depakote anyway. So for a week I went without Seizure medicines and I began to slowly have seizures again. Well last Thursday I was able to get all my meds and I start taking them over the weekend. Still having problems and I was not 100 percent yesterday but I felt “better”.

I mean sure it was raining, but my kids all wished me “Happy Father’s Day”. I was given new hedge trimmers and I had a lot of gardening I been wanting to do. Sun finally came out it was warm and dry…. I turn on the hedge trimmers and in a moment and I don’t know how it happened I sliced my middle finger. Anyway the answer to “How is Damien doing?” Eh at least I still have a middle finger!

Who knew I would spill blood on a Dark Brotherhood shirt. Image depicts brown haired male wearing blue disposable mask and glasses, Has Dark brotherhood shirt on with red hand on black background.

Be glad it’s not the actual wound. Image depicts hand covered in dirt and blood with peach gauze wrapping middle finger.

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A Brief Statement On ABA

In the #ActuallyAutistic Community it is well known that ABA is abusive. All ABA, is abusive and this blog doesn’t support those who claim any form is not or articles citing “safe ABA”.

A great paper was written by the Facebook page Ask an Autistic` on ABA and a great blog is currently being ran with plenty info on this. Go Here for More on Why ABA is Abusive.

 

“ABA is abusive because it forces autistic children to undergo undue stress up to the point of panic and overstimulation while suppressing their ability to regulate this stress by forbidding stimming and self regulation activities. It violates their autonomy as a person and ignores ideas of consent. This kind of isolation style abuse between an authority and an individual would be considered inhumane in any other case yet we put young children through this. The result, not suprisingly, is ptsd as indicated by many autistic adults who have been through ABA.” -DAMIEN

If asked why it is abusive by allistic “Autism Parents *tm” feel free to use my answer here or link to the resources .
Further Reading:

What’s the Big Deal With ABA
What About Good ABA?
 

Panicked Lights

I worry, my heart races
I cannot breathe, choking
The world snaps around me
I’m alone, scared, pacing
The skin burns, eyes water
The world slams into me
The lights blaze down
My eyes can’t take the light
The day lasts too long
The night too short
The sounds too loud
My head just hurts
Let me free this rocking
Back and forth clawing
The rising inside me
Will this be how I live
Until the day I die?

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Sub-Q T Injection

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General Update Video 2019

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Die Waiting

By Damien Knight

Waiting months for an endo
praying to be back on T
How heartbreaking, another delay
Can’t just break free this misery
Weary of living a lie
Life a broken dream
Suicide, my will is to die
that’s how I break free

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Years of Change

Pics from 2011, 2014, and 2018! look how I’ve grown and changed. I will be starting back on testosterone this February. I am very excited. Wish me luck!

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#selfmadetransman #selfmademan #transandproud #growingandchanging #transgendertransformations #ftm

Transform (2011)

By Damien Knight

I remind myself what I feel
The ever turning wheel
Tells me how cruel life is
This body lies, it is remiss
I’ve painted myself a mask
To avoid the important task
Of acknowledging my fate
I can’t be me it’s too late
Still I must or I’d rather die
This mask I wear a broken lie
My dream is to transform
Become the man I always known

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Dating While Trans: Stressed (Nov, 2012)

By Damien Knight

Getting what I asked for
Pain, emotional pain, turmoil
You treat me such yet I run to you
Blasted with a dose of stress
Force me back into my closet
Why I swear I have only loved you
I am no little girl
How dare you treat my so blasé
Does it matter, I am a man
Why care what others have to say?
Is it not me you adore?
don’t hide like i’m a secret girlfriend
I don’t even look female anymore
If I am not worth being open
You are not worth my effort
Can you be forgiven
I think not when I am fed doubt

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