Tag Archives: ftm problems

Unreal Face

by The Shadow

At day’s end who am I?
A wanderer? A poet? Artist?
I am a lost soul painting
On the canvas of the heart
Word are my colours, imagery
These stories faded memories

Who am I really?
A broken dreamer, unreal
Hoping to be so

When the day comes I find me
Starimg back in the bathroom mirror
I might seek to love again
Who is she? that face isn’t me
the void is such a constant misery
I know with time i’ll be free

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Die Waiting

by The Shadow

By Damien Knight

Waiting months for an endo
praying to be back on T
How heartbreaking, another delay
Can’t just break free this misery
Weary of living a lie
Life a broken dream
Suicide, my will is to die
that’s how I break free

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Disassociated (Nov 2012)

by The Shadow

By Damien Knight

Starr’ s Last

Like pretty pretty pictures
Hung on pretty pretty walls
I was painted and locked away
Never to be seen at all
You I loved with my whole heart
You betrayed me tore me apart
Tossed me away so far
Yet you can’t abandon Starr
Oh shadow I was the shield
No protection just sword you weild
Deep inside you I won’t speak
Still without me you are weak
I am the scalelike Starr
Did you forget who you are?

Shadow’s Retort
The voice inside isn’t me
Lies created by society
I will make myself whole
Embrace the truth of my soul
Today I am made new
Living my life out I’m true
I am Raven, the shadow
I say thus and it is so
You say I forgot who I am
But I know I’m a strong man
I don’t need the lie anymore
You won’t make me feel unsure
I’ll absorb my past mistakes
Instead of eliminate

This was written in 2012 when I had finally started openly transitioning. 

Disassociation is part of that experience and this poem is the identity I created to protect me from society scolding me for coming out and being open for me and me retorting that I am not eliminating who I was but accepting that not all of it was me but what others wanted. That from that point forward I would be true to me.

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Being on Testosterone

by The Shadow

By Damien Knight

So this past Thursday I was given the prescription for testosterone. I took my first shot and I didn’t expect to feel any immediate changes. I haven’t really but I noticed I feel calmer. Like as time has passed I have felt unusually chill. The other thing is yesterday and today my voice sounds off. It isn’t a difference that is extremely noticeable. People would maybe think I had a cold. I keep saying well maybe you are imagining it you know a sort of “Placebo” effect. I am not imagining the oily skin though. I also noticed a increase in my sex drive in the past 3 days which is aggravating. Is it normal?

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Updates

by The Shadow

By Damien Knight

Via Tumblr Blog

I sent a letter to my father and an email. My dad hasn’t responded. It seems he doesn’t consider me any child of his. this hurts a lot. I am very angry but i am hoping this is just another one of his false abandonments. I am hoping but i do not know for sure.

Brighter news I will be seeing a new therapist who specializes in trans issues. This makes me very happy. I am on my way finally.

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Mental Image

by The Shadow

By Damien Knight

Every day is a mental struggle. When I look in the mirror I try to look at my face but I still can’t all I see is my chest. I hate it. I remember I use to scream at my mirror. Once I tried to block the mirror with a towel so I wouldn’t have to see it. It fell off. I hope the day will come that I can look in the mirror and see me.

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My Coming Out

by The Shadow

Written 2010

I cut my hair all off and gave my female clothing to my little sister. This was back in October and I told my little sister. I am not the sister you thought you had. Remember, you said once you always wanted a big

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