Unreal Face

Mar18 by The Shadow

At day’s end who am I?
A wanderer? A poet? Artist?
I am a lost soul painting
On the canvas of the heart
Word are my colours, imagery
These stories faded memories

Who am I really?
A broken dreamer, unreal
Hoping to be so

When the day comes I find me
Starimg back in the bathroom mirror
I might seek to love again
Who is she? that face isn’t me
the void is such a constant misery
I know with time i’ll be free

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Die Waiting

Feb11 by The Shadow

By Damien Knight

Waiting months for an endo
praying to be back on T
How heartbreaking, another delay
Can’t just break free this misery
Weary of living a lie
Life a broken dream
Suicide, my will is to die
that’s how I break free

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Transform (2011)

Dec7 by The Shadow

By Damien Knight

I remind myself what I feel
The ever turning wheel
Tells me how cruel life is
This body lies, it is remiss
I’ve painted myself a mask
To avoid the important task
Of acknowledging my fate
I can’t be me it’s too late
Still I must or I’d rather die
This mask I wear a broken lie
My dream is to transform
Become the man I always known

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Disassociated (Nov 2012)

Nov13 by The Shadow

By Damien Knight

Starr’ s Last

Like pretty pretty pictures
Hung on pretty pretty walls
I was painted and locked away
Never to be seen at all
You I loved with my whole heart
You betrayed me tore me apart
Tossed me away so far
Yet you can’t abandon Starr
Oh shadow I was the shield
No protection just sword you weild
Deep inside you I won’t speak
Still without me you are weak
I am the scalelike Starr
Did you forget who you are?

Shadow’s Retort
The voice inside isn’t me
Lies created by society
I will make myself whole
Embrace the truth of my soul
Today I am made new
Living my life out I’m true
I am Raven, the shadow
I say thus and it is so
You say I forgot who I am
But I know I’m a strong man
I don’t need the lie anymore
You won’t make me feel unsure
I’ll absorb my past mistakes
Instead of eliminate

This was written in 2012 when I had finally started openly transitioning.

Disassociation is part of that experience and this poem is the identity I created to protect me from society scolding me for coming out and being open for me and me retorting that I am not eliminating who I was but accepting that not all of it was me but what others wanted. That from that point forward I would be true to me.

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We Won’t Be Erased

Oct24 by The Shadow

By Damien Knight

I’m tired! Say my name! Say my name!
I’m tired! But I’m here to stay!
I will fight! I’m proud, got no shame!
I will fight! I won’t be forced away!
You can try to say we don’t exist.
I will shout, scream, and stomp!
Bigotry in the office? Yell “Resist!”
Trump promised to drain the fucking swamp!
Instead he caged children, seperated families!
He attempted travel and military bans!
Now this plague threatens to erase me!
Your voice is your weapon! Take a stand!
We do not cease at your command!
We fight! Tired, angry and unphazed!
You can kill us, our fury rises across the land
For we are here and we won’t be erased!

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Quick Update

Oct24 by The Shadow

By Damien Knight

Trump memo leak about the planned erasure of trangender people by redefining gender has had me feeling depressed. I admit I am feeling it is better to end my life than exist in a society that can erase and murder me. I will not do this. I will fight back!

I went to my doctor yesterday and am now back on Adderall for my ADHD. I am also taking synthroid for my thyroid. I will be calling my endo and start back on testosterone. I won’t let this administration define me.

I am me! I am Male! #wontbeerased

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Chest Binders

Mar24 by The Shadow

New chest binder! It had been a while since my last binder purchase. It isn’t perfect but it works. Good binder protocol, if able pull over legs and hips to avoid getting stuck. Hand wash to help them last longer or low cycle and air dry. #Binders #ftm #selfmademan

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Want to help with transition costs? Donate here : The Shadow’s Journey

Being on Testosterone

Jul17 by The Shadow

By Damien Knight

So this past Thursday I was given the prescription for testosterone. I took my first shot and I didn’t expect to feel any immediate changes. I haven’t really but I noticed I feel calmer. Like as time has passed I have felt unusually chill. The other thing is yesterday and today my voice sounds off. It isn’t a difference that is extremely noticeable. People would maybe think I had a cold. I keep saying well maybe you are imagining it you know a sort of “Placebo” effect. I am not imagining the oily skin though. I also noticed a increase in my sex drive in the past 3 days which is aggravating. Is it normal?

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