Shades Cruel Illusion

The words people say, cruel shades
They are but false reality
Ignore their tired refrain
that is hard for me

I do not know if my meaning clear
When I use such pain with word play
Though I call for my lady dear
Meanwhile try to walk away

Let go the haunting memories
Of past wrongs when life is short
I don’t do it for them, it’s for me
Any moment I could burst

And with the fates holding my thread
Good and tight in their hands
Would they cut me down dead
I won’t leave my regret in this mortal land

So I guess what I mean is I have to let stress go
If at any moment my body, my heart might let go of me
Holding on will only kill me slow
When I let go Like the dragon I finally fly free

Let Go Together

Tight the heart beat in my chest
I cry out pain in my breath
Are you far, desperate this king
To cry seeking his beloved queen
Queen of hearts don’t take my head
Keep me near beside your bed
Serve you well this Knight of spades
A dark king who shys the light of day
The coughing caught in my throat
Like the lies others have spoke
Don’t dwell on those who hurt
Or the pain that wells inside you
I tell myself this daily, just breathe
And if I the king of misery can let go
Oh shadow queen let us together be free

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By Damien Knight
When you struggle And your eyes

won’t stay open but you must 

because if you don’t 

You are lazy, and worthless

Being sick, how they accuse
You look fine to me.

My illness is a haunting

A spectre, has me imprisoned 

In my “sound” body

Their judging eyes decieve them 

They don’t see my medicine 

Or know how long since I was 

able to take them

I sleep exhausted by life

A voice mocking my weakness

But I wont cave in.

This is what living is like

With invisible illness

And I am stronger!


Journal 2 Years ago and Update Today


OK, in a week I learn what my blood results are. Since the doctor wants me on the EFMP (Exceptional Family Member Program) I know that something’s up. Most likely this is for my past diagnosis of Bipolar. A diagnosis I am now trying to contest and get a re-diagnosis. I have to get an MRI for twitching and fainting spells, which is why my friends I keep leaving the bar early on Tuesdays. My worst twitching episodes happen at about 10:00 Pm and it is embarrassing for me to have others see me smacking myself. Anyway, I get that done Friday and Wednesday.

The doctor will evaluate my blood results. I need to talk to the doctor about this damn black spot that appeared on my eyelid. I have been having these problems for months (the twitching, migraines and fainting problem). It took Aaron dragging me to the doctor to do something about it. My own concerns had been so focused on my personal displeasure at being born in a female body that the health of said body really didn’t matter.

So I had a conversation with Aaron last night. I asked him if it was normal to see what I could only describe as television static in front of everything one sees. He told me no.

So for my friends, I ask, is this normal? I know the silver static that blocks out my entire vision is not normal, but my vision is always blocked with light static in front. I wonder, is it normal?

Today: So this was before they diagnosed me with hypothyroidism and epilepsy. The lump I spoke of on my eye in this prior journal turned out to be a blood tumor, and I just had surgery on it after two years of ignoring it.

1/18/2021 I wish I dated the “today” on this post, so I knew when that was. But I wrote the original post in 2010 and the second entry was likely 2012-13 ish. The fainting was a separate condition from my epilepsy. The cardiologist suspects but still has not diagnosed me with POTS. I am hoping to see Dr. Grubb eventually and find out if I have POTS and EDS. Those with autoimmune issues often have more than one medical problem. It is a fact with chronic illness. 

5/18/2022 This post has been edited for grammatical issues. 

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