Fighting to Live

Curse the daylight which illuminates
The dark recesses of my mind.
How I long for eternal rest!
My soul unable to escape my self-hate.

Who can stand a man of such despair?
To end the joke that is my life
Would be the most pertinent thing to do!
Close my eyes and die! It’s only fair!

Yet here I am living, as I must!
Fighting the demons plaguing my existence.
Ever lingering, they drown me!
Who is there? Is there a love I can trust?

Yesterday was International Transgender Day of visibility. I posted on my personal facebook about it but nothing on the blog. This poem and another I am working on addresses the emotions I have gone through as I have transitioned. The suicide rate for trans people is much higher than the general population and I am no stranger to the desire to die yet here I am ALIVE! Many never make it so not only do I wish to present myself as a visible trans person I wish to remember those who have passed either from suicide or murdered. Let us celebrate, let us grieve and let us live and love just as everyone else.

Want to help with transition costs? Donate here : The Shadow’s Journey

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Disassociated (Nov 2012)

By Damien Knight

Starr’ s Last

Like pretty pretty pictures
Hung on pretty pretty walls
I was painted and locked away
Never to be seen at all
You I loved with my whole heart
You betrayed me tore me apart
Tossed me away so far
Yet you can’t abandon Starr
Oh shadow I was the shield
No protection just sword you weild
Deep inside you I won’t speak
Still without me you are weak
I am the scalelike Starr
Did you forget who you are?

Shadow’s Retort
The voice inside isn’t me
Lies created by society
I will make myself whole
Embrace the truth of my soul
Today I am made new
Living my life out I’m true
I am Raven, the shadow
I say thus and it is so
You say I forgot who I am
But I know I’m a strong man
I don’t need the lie anymore
You won’t make me feel unsure
I’ll absorb my past mistakes
Instead of eliminate

This was written in 2012 when I had finally started openly transitioning. 

Disassociation is part of that experience and this poem is the identity I created to protect me from society scolding me for coming out and being open for me and me retorting that I am not eliminating who I was but accepting that not all of it was me but what others wanted. That from that point forward I would be true to me.

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We Won’t Be Erased

By Damien Knight

I’m tired! Say my name! Say my name!
I’m tired! But I’m here to stay!
I will fight! I’m proud, got no shame!
I will fight! I won’t be forced away!
You can try to say we don’t exist.
I will shout, scream, and stomp!
Bigotry in the office? Yell “Resist!”
Trump promised to drain the fucking swamp!
Instead he caged children, seperated families!
He attempted travel and military bans!
Now this plague threatens to erase me!
Your voice is your weapon! Take a stand!
We do not cease at your command!
We fight! Tired, angry and unphazed!
You can kill us, our fury rises across the land
For we are here and we won’t be erased!

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Quick Update

By Damien Knight

Trump memo leak about the planned erasure of trangender people by redefining gender has had me feeling depressed. I admit I am feeling it is better to end my life than exist in a society that can erase and murder me. I will not do this. I will fight back!

I went to my doctor yesterday and am now back on Adderall for my ADHD. I am also taking synthroid for my thyroid. I will be calling my endo and start back on testosterone. I won’t let this administration define me.

I am me! I am Male! #wontbeerased

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Rage

By Damien Knight

Forget the anger the pain the tears
The hated stare of my eyes in the mirror
Empty cold basket of despair
My burden alone to bare

I am tired of the echoing in my head
It used to be so much I’d wish myself dead
Now I just wish it were silent
These thoughts left unsaid

I can’t cry due to blinding rage
I am trapped in my body, this infernal cage
I peck at the bars and crow
But outsiders laugh as if it were stage

My life is not your amusement
I am not just a character for torment
I too am a man
With feelings I lament

 

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Everyday Trans-man: Personalities Of Dysphoria

Hi I am Damien Skye Knight Aka Raven/ Koraki. This is Comic 3 of Everyday Trans-Man

Dysphoria has become this dirty word in the trans community. This is the face of my dysphoria.

 

Do you like our art? Remember to support us on <a href=”https://www.patreon.com/theshadowslair”>Patreon</a&gt;
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A Life

By Damien Knight
I took a life today

I didn’t mean too, 

I wasn’t wanting to murder

But father said I killed her.

Father said I commited slaughter

Yes I took a life today because

Father didn’t have a son but a daughter

Never mind the love I gave

Trips to the lake…
….I will take a life tomorrow

Mine.

The Shadow’s Journey

By Damien Knight

Finding myself in the mirror of my past, am I free at last?

When she haunts my dreams can I ever be me?

Saturday, I spent my afternoon with my Step-mother and my Father at Chuck-E-Cheese. For the first time in ages I had a deep heart to heart with my Step-mom. For me, despite all I went through, this was the woman who raised me. She is my Mom so here on out I will refer to her as such.

Caged Inside

By Damien Knight

Hello, My name is Damien Knight, I have self claimed many titles, Artist, Poet, Scientist. I have wrapped myself into these layers to define me. But I am caged into other titles, “Daughter, Mother, Sister.” SHUT UP! I want to scream, but I’m afraid.

Everyday Transman: Concept Art

By Damien Knight

I was considering starting a webcomic about what it’s like to be transmale. I decided to share this concept art. It isn’t great but during the time I drew it I worked at McDonalds and got ma’amed a lot. I need a drastic improvement of my art skills before I try to draw comics again.  If you want to help in my journey please donate to The Shadow’s Journey